Archives for category: thoughts

It’s takes a lot to walk around with this smile I present in public whiling carrying my family & “friends” burdens on my shoulder daily…. Just need to revaluate some decisions I have made as far as my living status friends relationships etc… So that I can get my “happy” back ….. But I am and will always be ok…

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A quick reflection...

It almost seems like this year is starting off just like 2012 did. On January 2, 2013 I received almost the same phone call I did on January 2, 2012. In 2012 my mom called me to tell me she had cancer. From that very moment my life has never been the same. I made it a point to put almost my entire life on hold to be there for her every need. From various ER visit, hospital stays, chemo, transfusions, radiation, surgeries, baths, massages, feedings, tears,bills, phone calls you name it I did it or assisted with it. It was hard to try to be strong in front of my mom my children and other family members but I managed. During one of my mothers first hospital stays I ran into a buddy of mine at Washington Hospital Center and found out that her mother was also in the hospital with Cancer also. And found out on a social network that she lost her mom during the holidays. I am so thankful that my mother is still alive and has got better and almost completely back to her normal self. Her illness really made our relationship stronger. It saddens me that the same day last year she called this year to tell me that the cancer may have came back in a different area. It was so hard to be strong during the phone call because I couldn’t understand why she has to even prepare to possibly deal with this again. After ending our phone call I became so upset wondering why God would do this to me…. Driving in tears and silence God began to talk to me and remind me that its not about me and that he gave me the easy task of being a support system for my mom and that he gave my mother the test because he knew she was strong enough in spite the fact that we “family” didn’t think so. I know God never places more on us than we can bare, but I don’t think I can handle this road again.

It’s been a while since I’ve been at the point of explosion and I try so hard not to get to this point. All my emotions are everywhere and I can no longer control them. It sucks to always make yourself available to everyone for anything and can never get that in return. I honestly don’t need half of what I give for others in return just an ear every now and again… I feel so drained and so pulled in every direction I can tell if I’m coming or going. But I guess what happens when you always trying to be concerned and protective of everyone you love and care about…..

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I have finally come to reality with the truth and can honestly say that I am not happy right now in life. I need to take control of my life and get my happy back.

Its funny how you make yourself available to a person and they have no time or interest…. But as soon as they notice that you have put your interest elsewhere now they have time……..

So if you want something or someone make it known…. Don’t wait for the right time cause the right time for you may end up being the wrong time for them.

It seems like yesterday that I lost my first favorite lady. And each year seem more hurtful than the last. I tried to find things to throw myself into and try not to think so much about her but it’s not working. I tried to reach out to the small circle of friends I have but funny as it may seem none have been available this year. I feel myself sinking not really talking or responding to text and just sleeping. My kids have made their plans for tomorrow and as always try to include me but I don’t want to mess up their holiday. I hate this time of the year and I always wish I could close my eyes sleep and wake up once the new year is here…….. Uggh Grandma why did you have to leave me so soon???? I miss you….. Love Rita

I saw this topic on a friends blog so I decided to answer it for myself..

If I was a fly on the wall this is what I would say about myself..

1. I love my children with my whole heart.

2. I always put myself last when at times I need to be put first.

3. I’m not organized.

4. I’m too hard on myself.

5. I always try to find the good in people.

6. I always land on my feet no matter the obstacle.

7. I love hard.

8. I am shy.

9. I am a sweet heart until you cross me.

10. I am a true friend and will always be.

11. I am bad with managing money.

12. I will give my last and not let it be known.

13. I am very emotional.

14. I love food.

15. At times I think too much.

16. I miss out on a lot because I don’t say how I feel at times.

17. I make the happiness of others a priority too much.

18. I am very independent.

19. I love affection.

20. I have a warm heart…